Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO - SEPTEMBER 25 -OCTOBER 1, 2000
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    PIEDMONT-HEFFERNAN
    DISASTER
LATEST DEVELOPMENTS:
  • "Give a hoot, don't loot" campaign catching on in devastated areas.
  • Public Relations Office Announces the term "rubble" will no longer be used to describe downtown area.
  • Thousands still missing, but life goes on.
"It looks like the surface of Mars out there," says Maggie Lawson of her once-thriving cattle ranch. "Imagine what it's like a hundred miles from here."
 
ELECTION 2000
Bush, Gore, Target Michigan Family
Multimillion dollar ad campaign aimed at undecided couple in swing state will determine next President. Marge and Steve Pendleton "not sure yet" who is running.
Bush Denies Subliminal "GORE IS A PEDOPHILE" Ad Was Intentional
Downplays incident as a "teapot in a tempest."
Lunatic Fringe Gaining Strength
Poll numbers up heading into November.
 
BUSINESS NEWS
Best Business Plan 2000: Inherit a
Lot of Money, Survey Finds
Result is same as last year. Internet start-ups are distant second, followed by investment banking, then law.
Procter & Gamble at Odds Over Investment Strategy
Procter wants to play it safe, Gamble wants to take risks.
 
FRINGE
Man Crosses Australia in
Electric Car, Then Eats It

2 Guinness world records set.
ENTERTAINMENT
ELIZABETH TAYLOR GIVEN HISTORICAL STATUS
No new construction without federal approval.
 
35 Years Later, Rolling Stones Admit: They Got Plenty of Satisfaction
"We were getting satisfied morning, noon and night," says Mick Jagger. "If anything, we were getting too much satisfaction, but it didn't make a good song lyric."
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Lard, Nicotine, Crack Now Considered Healthy in Moderation
New study welcome news for overweight crack addicts who smoke.
 
TRANSCRIPT OF THE PRESIDENT’S NEWS CONFERENCE

President Clinton: Yes, Bob?

Q: Mr. President, are you still hopeful that a mideast settlement can be achieved before the end of your administration?

A: Well, Bob, the negotiations are reaching a crucial stage, and my hope is that the cocksucking motherfuckers on both sides of the (Continued next week)
 
CORRECTION
Last week's Ironic Times incorrectly stated that the United States Congress is an entirely owned subsidiary of a cabal of multinational corporations whose lobbyists write and pass legislation to increase the wealth of a tiny group of plutocrats in exchange for campaign contributions and other gifts to lawmakers. The word "cabal" was incorrect. The phrase should have read, "consortium" of multinational corporations.

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