Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE - OCTOBER 2 - 8, 2000
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WEATHER
Fine Here, But Cloudy
Where You Are
Nice weather for us throughout the week. You, however, should keep an umbrella handy.
 
SPORTS
Mets Considering Move to NFL
Players unsure about switch.
 
INTERNET
"Loading...Please Wait" Voted Favorite Message on Internet
"Cannot Retrieve Page," is second, "Try Again Later," is next.
 
TODAY'S RECIPE
  Healthy Chocolate Cheese Cake
This delicious recipe is surprisingly healthy!
1 cup sugar
1/2 lb butter
6 eggs
6 oz sweetened chocolate
Combine ingredients in bowl
Mix on high till smooth
Throw away
Allow 5 to 10 minutes for weeping
Calories: 0 Fat grams: 0
 
RELIGION
God Visits Earth
Offers eternal life, is murdered.
MONEY
New, "Happy" Lincoln Five Dollar Bill Makes Nation Happier, Says Study
 
Old Abe New Abe
  Americans, who come in daily contact with five dollar bills, have been measurably happier since the old bills, which feature a dour Abraham Lincoln, have been replaced by the new ones, with the happier engraving. The old Lincoln seemed to be saying, "Fourscore and seven years ago, blah blah, blah," but now he seems to say, "Whazzup?!"
 
NEWS FROM 0UR CITIES

San Fernando Valley to, Like, Secede From Los Angeles?
"The Valley" as it is sometimes known in Southern California, is, like, ready to secede from Los Angeles, according to, like, everybody? They're all, like, studying it, or something, and it could be on the ballot in, like, a couple of years? If the Valley was its own place, and could have its own logo and everything, it'd be, like, awesome!

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