Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO - OCTOBER 9 - 15, 2000
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POLITICS
Bush Announces Nicknames For Supreme Court
Justices will be known as (back row, left to right): Ruthie Bad, The Suit, Long Dong Silver, Ice Cream. (Front row, left to right): Tony Skaaaa, the Pope, the Quister, Sandra Dee and AMK.
 
SCIENCE
Genetically-Altered Cabbage Eats Researcher
Design basically sound says Monsanto. Will attach warning label advising consumers to keep "proper distance" from the vegetable..
 
    PIEDMONT-HEFFERNAN
    DISASTER
LATEST DEVELOPMENTS:
  • Killer bees headed for nuclear power plant; Mayor urges calm.
  • Police, fire, emergency vehicles race to scene, collide.
  • Dramatic accident video captured by Channel 2 Skycam moments before fatal crash with Channel 4 Newscopter.
SHOW BUSINESS
Frank Gifford to Join SNL
Will bring fresh slant to Weekend Update.
"Too Many Awards Shows" Docu Wins Top Honors at Award Show Awards
Hard-hitting special garners 9 Wardies.
"Vagina Monologues" Coming to Fox
Will follow football Sunday nights.
 
BUSINESS NEWS
Starbucks Stock Plunges After Announcing Switch to Tea
Move is "ill-advised," most analysts say.
 
New LegoLand Opens in Iraq
Huge theme park outside of Baghdad (see satellite photo, left) takes Pentagon by surprise.
 
SPORTS
  Supreme Court Overturns
Roe v. Maglie
Awards 1954 decision to Giants, after review of box score.
 
CORRECTION
Last week's story about nuclear weapons included detailed instructions on how to build and deploy a small atomic bomb. This was classified material and should not have been released to the public. We regret the error.

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