Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO - JANUARY 8 - 14, 2001
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BUSINESS
GREENSPAN LOWERS INTEREST RATE
But raises blood pressure.
AOL/Time-Warner No Threat to Healthy Competition, It Claims
Divisions within new company will clash
in volleyball, chess.
Rolls-Royce SUV Debuts
at Auto Show

4-wheel drive, Poupon jar holder standard.
Pagans Welcome Cloned
Sacrificial Lambs

Costs cut nearly in half, says spokesperson Hagar.
 
SHOW BUSINESS
CBS Mum on "Survivor II" Outcome
Will only say that winner is "gay and obnoxious."
Disney Sues Makers of
"Adult Toy Story"

Short features talking dildoes and dancing ben-wah balls.
 
ALSO IN THE NEWS . . .
CLINTON WILL MOVE TO IRELAND
Finds acceptance in nation of song, warm
beer, tragic character flaws.
ART
POST-IT NOTE PAINTING BREAKS RECORD AT LONDON AUCTION
Artist's tiny pastel and charcoal homage to Rembrandt brings a high bid of eight cents.
 
TOP PSYCHICS' PREDICTIONS FOR 2001
Lamarr Carroll: "A living, breathing dinosaur will be found in South America, by Joey of 'N SYNC."
Frieda Faylen: "Three words will become all too common: "crud"; "Selznick"; "flotilla."
The Cyber Psychic: "Mickey Rooney will wed Elizabeth Taylor in a private ceremony in Scotland."
Pandu: "The Minnesota Twins will win the Super Bowl."
IBM Deep Blue II: "Recession by third quarter; war in Middle East; major Bush cabinet shakeup; Sir Gallop wins Preakness; pogo sticks next big thing; Yahoo purchased by News Corp; Miss Georgia wins Miss America; Miss Costa Rica wins Miss World; Miss Brazil wins Miss Universe; Miss Illinois wins Miss Nude America; Miss Canada wins Miss Nude World; Miss Venezuela wins Miss Nude Universe."

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