Ironic Times

page one
PAGE TWO - FEBRUARY 5 - 11, 2001
page three

HEALTH/MEDICINE
"Morning After" Pill Available Soon
"Tomorrow morning," drugmaker keeps saying.
Hantavirus Closes Another
Disney Theme Park

Donald, Goofy blame Mickey, Minnie.
Recipient of World's First Head Transplant Changes Mind
Has head removed.
Americans Not Worried Enough About Their Health, Say Experts
More frightening statistics, tragic personal stories needed to increase risk awareness.
Fast Food Diet Reduces
Life Expectancy

Time saved may be less than time lost.
 
SCIENCE
Brookhaven, Long Island Laboratory Holds Secret of Life
Will be revealed on TV special in April.
Zeno's Paradox Proven!
Nobody getting anywhere.
RELIGION
Revised and Updated, Seven Signs of the Apocalypse Released by the Vatican
i. A hole will appear in the roof of the sky.
ii. The polar ice caps will melt.
iii. The frogs will vanish and the cows will go mad.
iv. Nude pictures of Dr. Laura Schlessinger will appear on the Internet.
v. Wrestlers will become governors and men of God will sire children out of wedlock.
vi. The antichrist will outsmart IBM and become the world's richest man.
vii. Butterflies will disrupt an election and an idiot will ascend to the throne.
 
ARTS
Three Dead Tenors Begin World Tour
Will perform at cemeteries, other venues; "live" album planned.

FRONT PAGE
PAGE THREE
ARCHIVE
CONTACT
 Copyright 2001 Ironic Times