Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO - FEBRUARY 26 - MARCH 4, 2001
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PEOPLE
HEFNER HAS HIMSELF CLONED
Plans double-dates with two sets of twins.
BOOKS
Hollywood Options Movie Rights for a Memo About an Idea for a Query to an Agent for a Book Proposal
Bidding war nets seven figures.
 
HIGH TECH
New High Tech Zipper Opens, Closes When You Clap Your Hands
Not recommended for theater-goers.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Most Rich Favor Estate Tax
Don't want to leave money to lazy, self-indulgent children.
 
BUSINESS
NEW LOGO FOR NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE UNVEILED
Image more in keeping with current financial climate.

 
Random Thoughts
by Fred "Beanball" Smith

None of the prospects in spring training look any good . . . The athletes today are smaller than they used to be . . . You can buy happiness, but not a pennant . . . Why aren't there more Latin players? . . . Baseball games are too short . . . Bring back Marge Schott . . . The XFL's exciting and classy . . . I love artificial turf . . . Baseball should be played at night . . . I miss the "Na Na, Hey Hey" song . . . There are too many Jewish ballplayers . . . Why go to a game when you can listen to it on the radio? . . . They should lower the basket to five feet . . . Whatever happened to pin boys? . . . I fall asleep before the end of most games . . . The players today are terribly underpaid . . . Bury me under second base at Wrigley Field. No, make it third base . . . That's all for now.


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