Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO - NOVEMBER 12 - 18, 2001
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AIRLINES, GOVERNMENT EXPLAIN DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
“ALERT” AND “HEIGHTENED ALERT”
 
  ALERT HEIGHTENED ALERT
Screening Make sure no terrorists get on plane Make damn sure no terrorists get on plane, no kidding!
Baggage Check for bombs Actually try to check for bombs
Coffee 2 cups 4 cups
Carry-ons No guns, knives No guns, knives, anthrax, missiles
Cockpit No unauthorized visitors No unauthorized visitors, drinking, parties

PEOPLE
Carmen Electra Arrives for Something or Other
An awards show, possibly.
MEDIA
Game Show, “Guess What's
Happening in Afghanistan?”
Replaces News

Blindfolded reporters fabricate stories, studio audience picks ones they like.
Geraldo Rivera Will Open Kandahar
Terrorist Cave in Prime Time

Believes it may contain bin Laden's treasure.
SCIENCE
Transistor Made From a Molecule
Breakthrough promises AM radios that fit on the head of a pin.
 
 
Report:
Sheep Can Recognize, Remember Faces of Other Sheep for Years

But can't remember their names.
 
Egyptian Doctor's Tomb Unearthed in Sakkara Dates to 2200 B.C.
Discovery includes surgical instruments, 30 patients still waiting to be seen.

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