Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE - FEB 25 - MAR 3, 2002
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PEOPLE
Bill Gates Discards "Nerd" Tag
Wants to be referred to as an "aristocratic twit" from now on.
 
SPORTS
Spring Training Opens
Pitchers, catchers reported;
Rookie Haiku shines.
Prediction of Extraterrestrials Visiting Olympics Doesn't Pan Out
Phoenix woman's claim of alien delegation arriving on the evening of Feb. 21 is off by fourteen-and-a-half hours.
Tyson Granted Boxing License
In Washington, D.C.

Will fight Lennox Lewis on floor of Senate during campaign finance filibuster.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
All of Los Angeles to
Read One Book

Entire population will tackle Good Night Moon.
 
PICTURE OF THE WEEK
First Cloned Elk Shown to Public
"A few bugs" still need to be ironed out.
YOUR HOROSCOPE
For the week February 25 - March 3
Aquarius, January 20-February 18 – You'll win the lottery, $43 million before taxes.
Pisces, February 19-March 20 – You'll win the lottery, $43 million before taxes, but your winning ticket will be challenged and you will face charges of forgery.
Aries, March 21-April 19 – You'll fall in love with a badminton player from Mongolia.
Taurus, April 20-May 20 – Despondent over a failed relationship, you'll move to Mongolia and take up badminton, but become disillusioned and return home, only to find love.
Gemini, May 21-June 21 – You'll sell all your Enron, K-Mart and Global Crossing stock certificates on eBay, but when the companies rebound you'll miss out on a fortune.
Cancer, June 22-July 22 – Your bid for Olympic gold will fall short when someone else bids higher.
Leo, July 23-August 22 – You will be detained at the airport for not wearing any clothes.
Virgo, August 23-September 22 – Your first movie will be received with less than enthusiastic reviews, but then, who reads reviews of X-rated films?
Libra, September 23-October 22 – This is a good week to cut down on your glue-sniffing and get out more often.
Scorpio, October 23-November 21 – If you've got any soft money laying around, now would be a good time to distribute it.
Sagittarius, November 22-December 21 – Pretend to be totally surprised when you're drawn into the Enron mess.
Capricorn, December 22-January 19 – Watch out for mile-wide asteroids, and be courteous to your waitress.

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