Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO - APRIL 22 - 28, 2002
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MIDDLE EAST
Jack Meets
With Sharon

Some progress reported; more talks likely, say aides.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
MTV, Osbournes at Odds
Over Next Season

Ozzy is demanding better scripts, "without all the expletives."
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Drug Company Reps Promise to Cut Back on Entertaining Doctors
All playoff tickets will be at least ten rows further back.
 
SCIENCE
Finding: Man's Earliest Ancestor May Have Lived at Time of Dinosaurs
Would have been mentally limited, but strong and loving, with a wife named Wilma.
Tiny Pill Camera Introduced
Will be used on upcoming film, "Being John Malkovich II."
BUSINESS
15 Seater Vans Popular With
Church Groups Are Rollover
Risk, Say Experts

Prayer, sincere belief in God lessen the risk, say manufacturers.
SEC Investigates Possibility That Major Brokerage Firms' Investment Advice is Tainted by Conflict of Interest
Also looking into possibility that bears shit in the woods.
 
BIO TECH
 
Gene Found to
Make Tomatoes
Taste Fresher

Current, waxy taste will give way to new flavor resembling styrofoam.
 
ENVIRONMENT
Backers of Alaskan Drilling Make Their Case
More oil needed to power more air conditioners made necessary by global warming caused by burning oil, they argue.
 
MILESTONES
Queen Mum's Mum Turns 123
Celebrates quietly at Buckingham Palace.

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