Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO - JULY 1 - 7
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PEOPLE
Sock Puppet Named New Homeland Security Mascot
Joins in fight against terrorism.
ENTERTAINMENT
Brits Stage "Bellringer of
Notre Dame," to Avoid
Offending Hunchbacks

Result: hunchbacks stay away in droves.
 
BUSINESS
Betty Crocker Under Scrutiny
By SEC for Insider Trading

Fictional character says she "can’t comment on an ongoing investigation."
Wal-Mart Denies Work-For-No-Pay Accusations
Blames charges on "a few disgruntled slaves."
Company, Books Balanced,
Meets All Forecasts

Cali drug cartel avoids any hint of financial scandal.
 
THIS WEEK IN HISTORY
 
  202 A.D.: First Night Game
Played at Rome's Colosseum

Historic contest ends quickly, with Lions winning 1-0.
HEALTH / MEDICINE
New Data: Extroverts Are
Problem Employees

Best workers are antisocial loners who keep track of enemies, plan revenge.
Latest Study: No Link Between
The Pill, Breast Cancer

Supersedes earlier study affirming previously denied past report establishing formerly rejected connection, now disproved.
 
LAW
Homeland Security Department Will Be Exempt from Freedom of Information, Federal Whistleblower Protection Laws
And a few others we don't know about.
Administration Finds Wording of Pledge of Allegiance Problematic
National security could be compromised by "liberty and justice for all."
 
Fill in the blank:
Major pharmaceutical companies were among 21 donors paying $250,000 each to the Republican party at a gala event ____ days after Republicans unveiled a prescription drug plan favorable to the industry.
     A)   30
     B)   15
     C)    2
(Hint: 3 days is a long time if you're in a hurry.)

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