Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE - JULY 15 - 21, 2002
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Lleyton Hewitt Wins Clothing Optional Open
Australian (left) takes another step toward Nudist Grand Slam.
Baseball Study: 85% of Owners
Use Financial Stimulants

Pumped-up bookkeeping "rampant" among top execs, says new report.
Baseball: 79% of Players
Asked Would Agree to Be
Tested for Steroids

21% too musclebound to answer.
Fans, Furious With Baseball, Threaten Action
Some plan to get up from the couch.
NFL Player Gives Up
Millions to Join Army

Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman hopes to get $25 million for capturing bin Laden.
Black Box Monitors Teen
Driving Errors For Parents

Also monitors parental fashion errors for teens.
Rare Michelangelo Found in New York
Discovered on back side of pizza order for "Antiques Road Show."

This may be the best time in years to get into the market, now that the whole corporate wrongdoing mess is over. Investor confidence has been restored and the country is focused on other matters.

My first definite "buy" would have to be Halliburton (HLBTN). Don’t let the plunging price or the lawsuit fool you, this energetic energy-trading company was once solidly run by none other than our own V.P., Dick Cheney - and there’s only one other person better at running a company than him - and he’s our prexy.

Another must-have stock is Martha Stewart (ANAL-RET), the doyenne of doilies who has deflected any taint of unseemliness in her private business dealings with typically effortless aplomb.

Finally, cash in your 401(k)s and put it all into WorldCom (WRLD-END), whose former execs are gone, and they’re not talking, so it looks like clear sailing for this telecommunications giant.

See you in the Hamptons!

(Mr. Money is not affiliated with any of the companies mentioned.)

   Copyright 2002 Ironic Times