Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO - AUGUST 12 - 18, 2002
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PEOPLE
  Angelyne Enters Race for
Hollywood City Council Seat

But many fear she may be overqualified.
 
BUSINESS
Retirement Savings of Middle Class Disappear in Stock Market Crash
But without prescription drugs, most will die sooner, won't be needing funds.
Bush Economic Forum to Feature Wealthy GOP Donors, Exclude Critics
"We'll have a lively debate with a cross section of Americans who agree with me," he says.
Microsoft Opening Windows
Code to Everyone

Will also make Bill Gates's genome available by end of month.
Chevy Suburban Adds .50-Caliber Machine Gun Option
Feature is standard on Chevy Urban.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
New Hormone Holds Promise for 60% Of Americans Now Overweight
Will be added to all burgers, fries says McDonald's.
Eight Glasses of Water Not
Needed, Claims Dartmouth
Medical School Doctor

Unless you're on fire.
 
SCIENCE
Latest Crop Circles Rated NC-17
Blamed on immature extraterrestrials.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Grateful Dead, Rolling Stones,
The Who Tours Sold Out

All will appear next month at Metamucilpalooza on the Isle of Wight.
Academy Awards to Be
Held A Month Earlier

Backstabbing, false rumors, million-dollar slander campaigns will also begin a month earlier.
Reality Shortage Puts
Networks in Bind

May be forced to hire "writers" to "come up with" stories, characters, dialogue.

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