Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE - AUGUST 12 - 18, 2002
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ASTROPHYSICS
Speed of Light Slowing Slightly,
Say Australian Physicists

News of their discovery slightly delayed.
 
SPORTS
Poll: What Baseball Fans Plan
To Do If There's a Strike

Most will watch tapes of old games. (See chart below.)
Baseball: Players Agree to
Testing for Steroids

Owners agree to testing for Scotch.
Tennessee Titans Get Court Approval to Change Name of Adelphia Stadium
New facility will be called Ponzi Park.
Lesbians Thinking Playoffs
Fans of the Louisville Lesbians celebrate their latest victory.


Even though I'm on vacation, my speechwriters aren't. I asked them to list the top three reasons why we should attack Saudi Arabia, and here they are:

Saudi Arabia is a major supporter of terrorism around the globe.
Saudi Arabia is an avowed enemy of Israel, and supports its destruction.
Saudi Arabia is a ruthless and inhumane dictatorship.

There are many more reasons, but they're classified.

(Note: After going to press we realized that, due to careless proofreading, the name "Saudi Arabia" appears where "Iraq" should be. We're sorry for any confusion.)

ODDS 'N ENDS
Ten Tourists Dumped into Shark Tank As Aquarium Platform Collapses
Though terrified by ordeal, none of the sharks were injured.

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