Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – NOVEMBER 11 - 17, 2002
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SPORTS
Barry Bonds Meets Japan's Home Run King
Slugger Mitsubishi Matsushita (left) hit 822 home runs last year.
NFL: Players Complain of Livelier Ball
100-yard passes, punts flying out of stadium hint at "overinflation," they say.
Don King Announces Series of Big Fights
To be followed by series of big lawsuits.
RELIGION
God's Budget Same As Last Year
Revenue down, but no deficit due to miracles.
 
OUR MAN IN HELL
by Richard Nixon
We all watched the election returns down here with Satanic glee. Looks like Junior got the mandate he wanted. Now he can go out and obliterate Iraq while also greasing the palms of his millionaire pals. And all without so much as a burp from the pinkos.
One word of caution for him - and this is straight from the Devil's mouth - don't get carried away like I did. I know little Bushie's on the wagon, but it's damn easy to get drunk with power and go looking for Daschle's dingleberries in the middle of the night. He's just lucky that fairy Hoover isn't around to listen in on every fart.
Finally, before I'm thrown into the bottomless pit for the umpteenth time, don't expect all this to last too long. Bush is just one massacre of innocent villagers away from losing his-aaaaaaaaaah!!!

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