Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – DECEMBER 9 - 15, 2002
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PEOPLE
World's Oldest Woman Believed to Be 125
Mali’s Hawa Sacko (left) says her father (right) has her birth certificate “socked away somewhere.”
Brits With Important Roles in Society To Be Vaccinated Against Smallpox
Gradually, less important will be included, until all but the royal family are inoculated.
Britney Spears Turns 21
Now old enough to dress provocatively.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Sci Fi Channel, Spielberg, Present
Epic on Alien Abductions

Evidence overwhelming that somebody,
somewhere wants to make a lot of money.
 
BUSINESS
Bill Gates in Bangalore, India
To talk with his tech support people.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Drought Worsens in Southeast
Even the lush links at Augusta National (right) have begun to show its effects.
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Researchers Think Viagra May
Be Linked to Aggression,
Sexual Violence

Recommend taking it with strong sedative, saltpeter.
Adulterous Sex More Likely
To Lead to Heart Attack
Than Sex With Spouse

Study's authors suggest one or two aspirin beforehand.
 
POLLS

Reasons for Hating America
Undergo Subtle Shift

"Lust for World Conquest" gains, "Movies/TV" less important.
 
SCIENCE
Japanese Researchers Calculate
Pi to 1.24 Trillion Places

But they still can’t get laid.
2600-Year-Old Glyphs Could Be Earliest Writing in New World
Found in Mexico, they depict a bird hurling its lunch.
 

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