Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – DECEMBER 16 - 22, 2002
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PEOPLE
Christina Aguilera Shows Off Her New "Prim and Proper" Look
She's started wearing clothes.
41-Year-Old Japanese Man Seeks Restraining Order Against Britney Spears
Claims she's stalking him.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Stallone Agrees to Make
One More
Rocky
Rocky CLXVII will begin filming in March.
 
BUSINESS
Starbucks Expanding to China
Will open two million outlets there in the coming year.
So Far, Holiday Sales Blah
Better than last year, which was feh.
Honda's New Boss Meets the Press
CEO Asimo (left) says he wants to streamline production with greater use of robots on the assembly line.
SCIENCE
New View of Mars: Dry Planet -
Water Came From Asteroids

Much like California.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
AMA Wants Ban on Alcohol Ads Before 10 PM
Less family strife predicted if teens view
booze ads after parents' bed time.
Europeans Say Easier to Give Up
Sex for a Month Than Smoking

Crave the smoke after sex more than the sex.
 
SPECIAL FEATURE
Five Signs Your 401(k) is Being Looted
1. Your statements arrive with a Cayman Islands postmark.
2. "Christmas party" listed under "expenses."
3. Under "Current Asset Value" there is only a smiley face icon.
4. When you call your fund office, the first words you hear are, "Ba-Da-Bing Club."
5. Annual statement begins, "This will be our best year ever for tax write-offs."

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