Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – DECEMBER 23 - 29, 2002
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PEOPLE
Beyonce Replaces Britney as Pepsi Spokesperson
Booty in, patootie out.
Paul Changes Beatles' Song
Credits to "McCartney-Lennon"

Also wants to change name of John's widow to Ono Yoko.
 
BUSINESS
McDonald's, Longtime Kids' Favorite, Reports First Quarterly Loss
Plans to fire Ronald, drop the Happy Meals, raise prices, and start serving liquor.
FTC Creates National "Do Not Call" List for Telemarketers
Database consists of people who have no money.
Several Airlines to Offer
High-Speed Internet Access

Makes it possible to e-mail the lady with the screaming child in the seat right behind you.
 
CORRECTION
Picture at right was misidentified as 50,000 North Koreans in an anti-American protest march. In fact it is 50,000 South Koreans in an anti-American protest march. We apologize for the confusion.
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Drug Use, Smoking, Drinking Down Among U.S. Teens
More are putting it off until college.
French Scientists Detect Pollutants From Industrial Sewage in Escargots
Rest of the world not overly concerned.
 
SCIENCE
World's Fastest Computer Performs 35.6 Trillion Calculations Per Second
Currently leased to Miss Cleo.
 
THE PRESS
To help streamline the news gathering process in 2003, the Bush Administration has issued the following templates for use in covering a wide variety of upcoming events:

Federal _________ Regulators Relax Standards
But promise vigorous enforcement.

Target Date for _________ Compliance Delayed
Industry leaders praise more realistic target.

Clinton Era ________ Rules Reversed
To conform with latest scientific evidence.

_______ Regime Given Human Rights OK
Certification report cites "progress."

____ Civilian Casualties Not Confirmed
Army investigating charges, will report later.

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