Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JANUARY 6 - 12, 2003
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PEOPLE
RaŽlian Leader Named to Cosmic Council by Interplanetary Elders
Will be responsible for cloning our quadrant of universe.
Diana Ross Arrested in
Tucson on DUI

Officers order her to “Stop – in the name of love!”
 
SPECIAL FEATURE
Top Seven Things We'd Rather
Not Hear About
1.  The mess in Colombia
2.  What's going on in Africa
3.  How we're doing in the Drug War
4.  The CIA and the Baath Party
5.  Worldwide overfishing
6.  Third World factories
7.  Why everybody hates us
 
ART
Shanghai Miniaturist Makes World's Smallest Globe
Commissioned by U.S. collector, who paid him a quarter.
THE WAR
 
Profiles of Our New Allies:
The Kurdish Militias
Where: Northern no-fly zone
Principal Virtue: Hate Saddam
Human Rights Violations: Ethnic cleansing, torture, extrajudicial executions
Policy Towards Women: A little worse than Taliban
Why We Love Them: Will help us defeat evil
 
SPORTS
NFL Playoffs: Every Team
Eliminated

Parity to blame, say critics.
Hurdling Added
To Nude Olympics

Kickboxing dropped.

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