Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – FEBRUARY 10 - 16, 2003
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MILESTONES
Last Revolutionary War Widow Dies
She was 219.
 
EDUCATION
Nudists Awarded Rhodes Scholarships
They will attend Oxford in the fall.
MEDIA
MSNBC Hires Jesse Ventura
He'll host Sunday morning news show, "Beat the Press."
 
SPORTS
Report: Yankees' Payroll
Reaches $164 Million

Surpasses budget of Cuba, which is included in total.
Star of High School Debating
Team Suspended

Accepted lavish gifts, associated with gamblers.
 
CHESS
Kasparov Loses to Chicken
Blames media distractions for loss.

Remember me? I'm back in the news again. The guy you used to love to hate. But times change. My country's been picked to head the UN Human Rights Commission. Who woulda thunk it? Compared to Saddam and that Il fella in Korea, I'm starting to look pretty good. Just one thing to clear up, as long as we're going to be friends: the proper spelling of my last name. I'll let you pick it: Gaddafi, Qadafy, Kaddafi, Khadaffi, Gadaffy, or my current favorite, Qaddafi. Let me know. In the meantime, have a happy!
 
RELIGION
Aussies Flock to View Image of Virgin Mary
And the blond wearing tight jeans.
 
ANSWER TO LAST WEEK'S PUZZLER
  1) Average savings to all US taxpayers under Bush budget proposal is b) $1,083
  2) Average weight of 10 grasshoppers and
1 hippopotamus is c) 580 lbs.

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