| |
REINFORCEMENTS
HEAD TO GULF |
| |
 |
| |
Conflict may take a bit longer than
originally hoped. |
| |
| THE WAR |
 |
White House Lists Postwar
Priorities
1) Iran; 2) North Korea; 3) Cuba;
4) France; 5) San Francisco. |
|
Pentagon: Everything Going
According to Plan
Quagmire objective already met. |
|
Civilian Uprising Reported in
North
Control quickly restored by Minneapolis
police. |
|
Shock and Awe Working
World shocked by Bush's arrogance,
awed by his stupidity. |
|
Web Gamblers Wagering
On Saddam's Future
But "late action" moving to
Bush's future. |
|
Dolphins
Join War Effort
They'll work in
intelligence. |
|
 |
|
|
| U. S. NEWS |
|
Federal Government Expands
Hiring in Bid to Reduce Unemployment
Thousands needed to listen to new
wiretaps. |
|
Perle Quits as Chairman of
Defense Policy Board
To take more powerful position in Hell. |
| |
REMINDER
You're a minor
character in a George
Orwell novel. |
|
|
| |
|
Supreme Court to Consider Gay
Sex
Justices Thomas, Souter will share condo
for a month. |
| |
| SPECIAL FEATURE |
| Five
Things We Might Not Have Noticed
During the Current Crisis |
| 1. |
For security
reasons, the Constitution
has been removed from the
Capitol Rotunda and
placed in an undisclosed
location, where it is
being edited and improved
by John Ashcroft. |
| 2. |
The
Appalachian National
Scenic Trail has been
opened for strip mining. |
| 3. |
The
Department of the
Interior began
construction on a number
of "Summer
Camps," whose
purpose is officially
described as
"classified." |
| 4. |
The Supreme
Court has ruled that
punitive damage awards
against large
corporations violates the
ban on cruel and unusual
punishment. |
| 5. |
Christianity
was declared the
"preferred
provider" of
religious services for
America, by presidential
decree. |
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