Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JULY 28 - AUG 3, 2003
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ODDS AND ENDS
Cave Drawings Found in Australia
Primitive representation of animals said to date back to recently made low-budget film.
 
SPORTS
Baseball: Bonds Breaks
Another Ruth Record

Surpasses the Babe with 1,308th boorish remark, and "he still has a few productive years left," says one beat writer.
NBA: 14-Team, 137-Player
Trade Completed

Should help all teams involved, says analyst.
 
NEW PRODUCTS
Take TV With You Wherever You Go!
It's easy, as long as you're wearing the TV Topper! The result of an alliance between Sony and Dobbs, these flat-screen chapeaus receive every broadcast channel and come in Small, Medium, or Large hat sizes. Get one for a friend - that way you can watch, too! At all Dobbs Hat stores, $179.
1. If you must drink before jumping on your motorcycle, for goodness sake wear a safety helmet!
2. Before you dive off a cliff into a body of water whose depth is unknown to you, learn to swim.
3. If you're heading off into the wilderness, make sure you're not weighed down with a lot of extra clothes, blankets, cell phones, etc. Travel light!
4. If you feel you're getting too much sun at the beach, take a plunge in the ocean to cool off before resuming your sunbathing.
5. When setting off by yourself for a long distance swim, write a letter to someone you know telling them where to look for your body.
6. Bears generally love to wrestle, but be sure to look for a "good match," like a playful cub with its mother supervising.

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