Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JANUARY 19 - 25, 2004
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AUTOS
New Hands-Free Toyota Drives Itself
Comes equipped with LoJack to prevent it from stealing itself.
Amphibious Vehicle Goes
On Sale

Early buyers complain of getting carsick, seasick.
 
SPORTS
Everyone Injured
Should be back in three or four weeks.
 
TRAVEL
Jet Blue's Phone Reservation
Agents Work At Home Offices

Many of them buck naked.
Electric Flute Forces Evacuation of Maine Airport
A “terrible musical experience” was narrowly averted, says spokesman.
President Bush squeezed a brief visit to the grave of Martin Luther King into his busy schedule on MLK Day in order to:
A )Show the depth of his commitment to minority Americans at the bottom of the income ladder.
B )Unveil an ambitious agenda of social programs to help African Americans get better education, child care, health insurance, after-school enrichment and job training, while declaring his support for affirmative action.
C )Open his heart, mind and spirit to Martin Luther King's spirit, to seek his guidance.
D )Qualify a previously scheduled $2,000-a-person reelection fundraiser in Atlanta as an official trip so it can be subsidized by taxpayers.
 
CORRECTION
In our article on the remake of "The Stepford Wives" the photo at right was misidentified as Nicole Kidman, who will star in the movie about men who replace their wives with compliant robots. In fact, the photo is of First Lady Laura Bush. We apologize for the confusion.

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