Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – FEBRUARY 9 - 15, 2004
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TELEVISION
“America's Greatest Legs” Debuts To Solid Ratings
Show wins timeslot, but trails “America's Greatest Breasts” in desirable 18-to-35-year-old male demographic.
 
ADVERTISING
Companies, Angered by “Nipplegate,” Talk of Boycotting CBS
Makers of Viagra, Levitra, Cialis may take their business elsewhere.
 
BUSINESS
Westinghouse TVs, Bell & Howell
Shavers Bring Familiar Brand
Names to New Products

Coming soon: Sara Lee power drills, Goodyear frozen dinners, Hebrew National lawnmowers.
Despite Mad Cow Scare,
McDonald's Sales Rise in 4th Quarter

National panic brought more risk takers, daredevils and the suicidal into their restaurants.
Halliburton Launches PR Campaign to Counter Charges Of Profiteering
Board of directors (above) met recently to discuss strategy.
HEALTH/MEDICINE
UK: Toddlers Not Exercising Enough
Step aerobics, personal trainers, fitness machines, and weekly testing recommended.
 
SCIENCE
Spirit, Opportunity Rovers to
Battle it Out on Mars

Match will be shown on Spike.
 

Study: Baboons, Humans Have Similar Complex Relationships
Baboon researchers (above) observed human behavior over a five-year period before reaching their conclusions.
 
PUBLISHING
Top 10 Periodicals Under
Scrutiny By White House
Office of Holy Matrimony

 1. Modern Adultery
 2. Homewreckers World
 3. National Nymphomaniac
 4. Philanderers' Digest
 5. Cheating Today
 6. Wandering Eye
 7. Promiscuous Week
 8. Wifeswappers Weekly
 9. Deadbeat Dad
10. Sluts Illustrated

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