Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – FEBRUARY 23 - 29, 2004
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POLITICS
Waterskiing Squirrel Endorses Kerry
“He has the best chance to defeat George Bush,” says popular performer.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Rate of Serious Crime Held
Steady Last Year

Picture brighter for '04, say criminals.
 
SPORTS
Baseball: Orioles Trade for
Player to Be Named Later

He says he's “excited” about going to Baltimore.
 
VIDEO GAME REVIEW
 
"Deforest Rangers"
Join the “brave defenders of heavy industry” as they fight off sinister Greenpeace activists and nutcake Tree People to keep our forests safe for development. Fun and educational. (Chainsaw Arts, $19.95)
Too Old to Drive? Not Anymore!
Not when you're comfortably ensconced behind the wheel of a newly redesigned (there were problems with leaks) LooMobile. The mall, early bird dinners, bingo - anything's possible with this clever marvel of 21st Century transportation. Actually just a cheap kid's motorized scooter with an outhouse attached to it, it's being sold for $2000 because it's covered by Medicare. At all Bed Pans and Beyond.
New Device Reads Your Mind, or Your Mate's!
It figures the Japanese would come up with the first commercial mind reading machine, and put it in an attractive package to boot. The Brainman® operates most effectively when placed within three inches of the cerebral cortex. It's also handy if you want to record your dreams, or the dreams of someone you know. A supplied video adapter cord connects directly to any TV, allowing all your friends in on the fun! $249, at Open Mind Emporium.

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