Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – APRIL 19 - 25, 2004
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PEOPLE
  John Negroponte to Be Picked as First U.S. Ambassador to Iraq
UN envoy (left), who turned a blind eye to Honduran death squads in the '80's, apparently has beaten out: Paul Wolfowitz, who forged our Iraq policy; Pat Robertson, who called Islam a violent religion; and Ann Coulter, who said Muslims smell bad and should all be killed.
 
BUSINESS
Business Recovery Surges, Falters
Inflation worries spike, ease; employment up, down, expert advice mixed.
McDonald's Begins Offering
Healthier Menu Items

Unfortunately, all their customers have died.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
TV: New Reality Show to
Honor Bad Singers

It’s called “The Grammy Awards.”
Trump Hires "Apprentice"
Lucky winner will supervise CEO's ego, upcoming bankruptcy.
New Opera Debuts at La Scala
Lack of intermission necessitates special provisions for performers.
SCIENCE
75,000-Year-Old Beads Made From Shells Found in South African Cave
Oldest evidence of jewelry was on sale for "a fraction of the price you'd normally pay."
New Spacecraft to Test Einstein's Theory of Relativity
Should get answer before they launch spacecraft, if everything goes according to plan.
 
New Model of Universe Curved Like a Pringles Potato Chip, Shaped Like a Horn
"This is a profound discovery," says a spokesman for Pringles.
 
BOOKS
Bob Woodward Book: Bush
Planned War in Secret

Told no one, except Bob Woodward.
1611 Edition of Hamlet Fails to
Sell at Christie's Auction

But TV spin-off reality/survivor show, "Who Wants to Kill My Dad?" fetches $1.3 million.
 
CORRECTION
Last week, in his press conference, President Bush said that “fifty tons of mustard gas” were found on “a turkey farm” in Libya. The White House later admitted the President was mistaken; the actual discovery was “fifty turkeys” and a “a ton of mustard” on a farm in Louisiana. We’re sorry for any confusion this may have caused.

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