Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – JUNE 28 - JULY 4, 2004
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PEOPLE
Rev. Moon Crowned as Messiah in Senate Ceremony
First such crowning since 2000 election.
ENTERTAINMENT
Lollapalooza Tour Canceled
Due to humdrum ticket sales.
TV Networks to Air Reruns
All Year Long

In case viewers didn't set their Tivo properly.
 
BUSINESS
Thousands of Cellphones
Recalled by Manufacturer

Move follows numerous complaints of conversations which consist in their entirety of “I'll be there in a minute,” or “I'm right outside now.”
1.6 Million Current, Former Female Employees in Class-Action Sex- Discrimination Suit Against Wal-Mart
Claim they're owed hundreds of dollars in back wages.
Starsbuck Opens in China
Right next to MdConald's.
SCIENCE
Study Predicts Climate Will Remain Warm for Next 15,000 Years
With a slight chance of rain.
Naturally Decaffeinated Coffee
Plant Found in Brazil

Discovery greeted with yawns.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Weight Loss Improves Erections
Similar results possible if men would also lose weight.
 
Mutant Gene Gives German Toddler Super Strength
Has already filed papers to run for governor of California in 2024.
 
CORRECTION
Due to an editing error, we inadvertently allowed a statement made by Vice President Dick Cheney to Sen. Patrick Leahy on the floor of the U.S. Senate to be printed without proper screening for offensive language. The Vice President actually said “Go fuck yourself,” not “Up your hole with a Mello Roll.” We're sorry for any confusion this may have caused.

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