| PEOPLE |
 |
 |
Rev. Moon
Crowned as Messiah in
Senate Ceremony
First such crowning since
2000 election. |
|
| ENTERTAINMENT |
|
Lollapalooza Tour Canceled
Due to humdrum ticket sales. |
|
TV Networks to Air Reruns
All Year Long
In case viewers didn't set their Tivo properly. |
| |
| BUSINESS |
|
Thousands of Cellphones
Recalled by Manufacturer
Move follows numerous complaints of
conversations which consist in their
entirety of “I'll be there in a
minute,” or “I'm right outside
now.” |
|
1.6 Million Current, Former Female
Employees in Class-Action Sex-
Discrimination Suit Against Wal-Mart
Claim they're owed hundreds of dollars in
back wages. |
|
Starsbuck Opens in China
Right next to MdConald's. |
|
 |
|
|
| SCIENCE |
|
Study Predicts Climate Will
Remain Warm for Next 15,000 Years
With a slight chance of rain. |
|
Naturally Decaffeinated Coffee
Plant Found in Brazil
Discovery greeted with yawns. |
| |
| HEALTH / MEDICINE |
|
Study: Weight Loss Improves
Erections
Similar results possible if men would
also lose weight. |
| |
Mutant Gene
Gives German
Toddler Super Strength
Has already filed papers
to run for governor of
California in 2024. |
|
|
| |
| CORRECTION |
|
| Due to an editing error, we
inadvertently allowed a statement made by
Vice President Dick Cheney to Sen.
Patrick Leahy on the floor of the U.S.
Senate to be printed without proper
screening for offensive language.
The Vice President actually said
“Go fuck yourself,” not
“Up your hole with a Mello
Roll.” We're sorry for any confusion
this may have caused. |
|
|
