Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – AUGUST 2 - 8, 2004
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ODDS AND ENDS
Scientists Create Sydney Opera House Smaller Than A Human Hair
Acoustics abysmal, say critics.
 
TRAVEL
U.S. Airways Demotes Pittsburgh
From Hub to "Focus City"

Passengers will be able to focus on city by looking out windows as they fly over it.
 
AUTO
Toyota Developing Car
With Facial Expressions

New model can express anxiety (low on gas), anger (overheated), or fear (stolen).
 
SPORTS
Kobe's Accuser Got $17K
From Victims' Fund

Almost as much as Kobe gets for walking from parking lot to locker room.
Baseball: Yankees-Red Sox Rivalry Heats Up
Team of UN observers sent in to monitor situation.

With the games almost upon us, I thought I'd give you a peek at some of the sports making their first appearance in Athens.

Thumb Wrestling
In the U.S., thumb wrestling isn't considered a serious sport, with rules, teams, leagues, and national federations. But in some European countries thumb wrestling rivals soccer in popularity. Needless to say, the Americans don't stand a chance, but maybe the exposure will induce more of our best athletes to try it.

Topless Tennis
Added at the last minute (ticket sales have been flagging), topless tennis is identical to traditional tennis except the participants wear no shirts. Plenty of seats still available – for the men's matches.

Postmodern Pentathlon
A grueling test of multi-tasking, competitors must walk fast, eat on the run, fire off thirty e-mails, leap over dog poop and hurdle subway turnstiles, all while talking on a cellphone. The U.S. is favored in this event. See you in Athens!

(Mr. Olympics won the bronze medal in the quadruple jump at the 1948 Olympics, the last year that event was held.)

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