Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – NOVEMBER 15 - 21, 2004
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MISCELLANEOUS
“No Santa Left Behind” A Success, Say Backers
But program drains funds from “No Child Left Behind,” say critics.
 
SPORTS
Major League Baseball to
Try Instant Replay

Move follows numerous requests to make games longer.
NBA: Players' Agents Decry
Current “Teamwork Fad”

Claim it's hard for their clients to stand out when everyone's “obsessed with winning.”
 
FEATURE
Answer to last week's Hidden Word Puzzle
 
Simplify Tax Code: Chauffeur-driven SUVs will go directly into poor neighborhoods, transfer money to rich without IRS involvement. (IRS will continue to exist to harass NAACP.)
Reform Social Security: Americans will be given choice of investing social security account in stock market, or in gambling chips redeemable in Las Vegas or Atlantic City. (But not Indian reservations.)
Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge: Will be renamed, “Alaskan National Oil Drilling Sanctuary.”
Elections in Iraq: Whoever is still alive after bombing of areas resistant to foreign occupation will choose from candidates acceptable to Dick Cheney.
 
LAW
Supreme Court: Drunk Driving
Not a Deportable Offense

Bush “greatly relieved” by decision.

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