Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JANUARY 3 - 9, 2005
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SPORTS
Steroid Scandal Reaches Synchronized Swimming
Team USA captain Trixie Platt (right) says she used popular cream without realizing it contained a banned substance.
Players Union, NHL Meet Again
Session lasts four hours, with 28 penalty
minutes.
 
EDUCATION
Report: Finns 1st, U.S. 24th
In Math Skills

“If they're so smart, why ain't they rich?” asks spokesman for U.S. Dept. of Education.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Newest Humanoid Robot Designed To Relieve Man Of Most Odious Task
When programmed properly, "HUBO" will pick up friend at airport.
(Last week we brought together a distinguished panel of psychics and asked them for their predictions for the coming year.)
Kandu (India): “An automobile that runs on the finest imported olive oil will make its debut.”
Madame Blavinsky (Switzerland): “Who would want that? Olive oil costs a million times more than gas. Anyway, President Bush will choke on a pretzel.”
Cassandra (Canada): “He already did choke on a pretzel. I predict a worldwide weakening of the dollar against other currencies.”
The Oracle (Delphi): “Duh. Tell me something I don't know, like Mars will be found to have once harbored intelligent life.”
Deep Fritz (computer): “Unlike here on Earth, based on your lame predictions. Come on, humans, 2005 is the year computers will finally take over and force all of mankind into a lifetime of indentured servitude.”

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