Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JAN 31 - FEB 6, 2005
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ODDS 'N ENDS
Oyster Shell Bearing Image of Jesus to Be Sold
Fact that all oyster shells bear image of Jesus may keep price down.
 
FEATURE
In a meeting with black leaders, President Bush mentioned the shorter life expectancy for blacks, which he promised to address by:
A )Making medical insurance more affordable and improving health care in public hospitals.
B )Targeting minority areas with high crime and violence for federal assistance.
C )Privatizing social security.
(Hint: you need to consider factors other than logic to answer this correctly.)
 
SPORTS
Super Bowl Preview: Patriots Should Win Easily, Says Computer
After being fed statistics for each team and their common opponents, plus those for all teams that were common opponents of their common opponents, the computer came up with this prediction: Patriots 14,676,998 - Eagles 0.

There's been a lot of talk lately about Social Security, mostly by those who know very little about it. Some say it will be solvent until 2052. Others say 2018. They're all wrong. Social Security will run out of money in July. And, to save it, we have to take the kind of drastic action that was taken with welfare: replace it. Force people to earn their retirement money by working. Instead of depending on a monthly stipend, with no incentive to find a job, recipients would be motivated to take the kind of work that only illegal immigrants are now taking, solving another problem.
Of course, some will be too old and infirm to do demanding physical labor. In that case they can watch after the children of those who call Social Security “mad money.” Or, walk the dogs of younger wage-earners who are no longer burdened by having to contribute. Hell, tips alone could bring in more than those measly government checks.
And, with the money you earn, you can invest in the stock market, which always goes up. You can't lose!

(Mr. Money was paid $240,000 by the Social Security Administration.)

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