Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – FEBRUARY 7 - 13, 2005
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ENVIRONMENT
  Republicans in Congress Anxious to Start Drilling in Arctic National Wildlife Refuge
Not for the oil, just to “get rid of all that damn beauty,” says one.
 
SPORTS
Super Bowl Halftime
Show Shocks Again

Women performing oral sex on donkeys "was not planned, I can assure you," says red-faced network spokesman.
NFL Owners Approve
Expansion Team

Won't play any games, just threaten to move unless new stadium is built.
Spring Training: Pitchers,
Catchers Report Feb. 15

Infielders, outfielders, agents report Feb. 20.
 
ODDS 'N ENDS
Schwarzenegger Introduces New Commemorative California Quarter
Coin features naturalist John Muir on one side (shown), used car salesman Cal Worthington on the other.
FEATURE
The easiest way to raise revenue needed to keep Social Security Trust Fund solvent is:
A ) Collect payroll taxes from everyone, even the rich.
B ) Go to roulette table in Vegas, place Social Security Trust Fund on red.
C ) Send check to person whose name is at top of list, add "Social Security Trust Fund" to bottom of list, send to twenty friends.
D ) Respond to appeal from Nigerian who wants to give Social Security Trust Fund money in exchange for help collecting millions owed by Nigerian government.
E ) Bet on the stock market.
 
NEW PRODUCTS
A Cellphone That Thinks For You!
Besides replacing your old cellphone, camera, organizer, and mp3 player, the Thinkman
also replaces the left side of your brain. Plug in the special attachment (included) and it assumes the functions of your cerebral cortex, organizing memories and recording thoughts while you busy yourself with other, less demanding tasks. Great for dating! Additional memory optional. $299, at Android Shack.

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