Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – APRIL 11 - 17, 2005
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PEOPLE
Cookie Monster Reported Hospitalized With Arteriosclerosis
Sesame Street icon had been eating diet “heavy in trans fats,” according to friend, Hoots the Owl.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Lines Already Forming for Star
Wars
Movie Yet to Be Filmed

Future installment “hasn't even been pitched,” says studio.
Study: TV Turning 4-Year-Olds
Into Bullies

Particularly those who watch “The O'Reilly Factor.”
 
BUSINESS
ChevronTexaco Discovers New
Source for Oil Much Larger
Than ANWR

Unocal.
Smucker's Denied Patent on Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich
But awarded patent for audacity.
SCIENCE
Half-Million-Year-Old Mammoth Fossil Found in Southern California
DNA suggests creature had been preparing comeback after successful rehab.
Researchers Able to Remotely
Control Brains of Genetically
Modified Fruit Flies

Promises flying insects who can be manipulated to bother someone else.
 

Computer Simulations Predict
Many Earth-Like Planets

All capable of having Gods who created them ten thousand years ago.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Pot Smoking Prevents
Heart Disease, Stroke

When combined with a diet rich in chocolate, and heavy drinking.
Many Doctors Honored as “Physician of The Year” By Congress
After each contributed $1,250 to the Republican Party.
Study: Obesity Costing
California $21.7 Billion

Fatter movie stars, fewer tickets sold.

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