Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – APRIL 25 - MAY 1, 2005
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RELIGION
Animal Kingdom Celebrates Passover
Shown: gorilla easily finds matzoh hidden under sofa cushion.
 
KUDOS
British Restaurant Named
World's Best

Tops annual rankings published by Boiled Meat Monthly.
 
POLITICS
Presidential Election Procedure to Change in 2008
Result will be announced by either white or black smoke emerging from Supreme Court building.
 
SPORTS
Top Athletes Have Laser Surgery, Improve Eyesight to Better Than 20/20
Gives them huge advantage over owners at reading fine print in contracts.
Latest Baseball Video Games Adjust for Steroids
Juiced players act hyper, anxious, with smaller genitalia.
FEATURE
A bill to shield oil companies from lawsuits for contaminating the nation's water supplies, exempt every state in the eastern half of the country from smog cleanup deadlines in the Clean Air Act, undermine the ability of natural resource agencies to protect fish and wildlife, prevent states from protecting their own shorelines, and put new limits on the National Environmental Policy Act is:
A ) The National Air and Water Contamination Bill
B ) The Wildlife Reduction and Coastal Endangerment Act
C ) The National Energy Bill

The manufacturer's brochure for which of the following weapons states that jet engines and helicopters “are likely targets for the weapon, making it capable of destroying a multi-million-dollar aircraft with a single hit delivered to a vital area?”
A ) The cannon mounted on the Abrams tank the U.S. Army is using in Iraq.
B ) The antiaircraft battery deployed by the National Guard to defend Washington.
C ) The .50 caliber sniper rifle the NRA wants to legalize as “a standard hunting weapon.”
Hint: heads up, Bambi.

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