Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MAY 9 - 15, 2005
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SPORTS
National Curling League Signs $6 Billion Deal With Networks, ESPN
Will fill void left by hockey.
Study: Small Children Can't
Hit Slow Pitches, Due to Brain
Processing Required

Conclusion: stick with curves, change-ups, stay away from fast balls, which they murder.
 
LIFESTYLE
Fewer Traffic Deaths in L.A. Since Wave of Freeway Shootings Began Terrified drivers more courteous, alert.
School for Prostitutes Opens
In San Francisco

“Whore College” offers degrees in law, business, politics.
 
TRENDS
Latest Trend: Cosmetic
Surgery for Pets

Barbarians will arrive to sack our cities shortly.
 
FEATURE
The results of the Army's recently completed investigation into human rights abuses at Abu Ghraib by the Army were:
A )Nobody in the Army did anything wrong.
B )The higher in the chain of command, the more blameless the Army officers.
C )The Army is a fine, fine institution, and you really should join up.
(Hint: Do you have any idea how much you could get as a signing bonus?)
 
POLITICS
Schwarzenegger's Popularity Fading in California
Majority now say they want him deported.

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