Ironic Times

page one
PAGE THREE – MAY 30 - JUNE 5, 2005
page two

IRONIC TIMES EXCLUSIVE
NEW DOCUMENT EMERGES IN BOLTON PROBE:

Behavior Warning: Johnny Bolton

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Bolton,
Johnny is really one of the brightest students in the 3rd grade when he applies himself, but he continues to kick, punch, threaten and harass smaller, younger boys and girls during recess, in spite of repeated attempts by teachers and administrators to stop it. The only children who are safe from Johnny's bullying are the older, bigger boys with whom he curries favor. Just last week he chased a second grade girl through the halls, screaming at her. She was forced to flee into the girls' bathroom, where Johnny was found pounding on the door, shouting threats. By the way, do you have any idea why he's running for student council after calling the student council "a big bag of stinky dog poo"?

Sincerely,
William Johnson,
Vice Principal
 
SPORTS
New American Owner Orders Manchester United Players to Wear Helmets, Shoulder Pads
And take steroids.
PICTURE OF THE WEEK
Three Years After Fall of Taliban, Signs Of Progress for Women In Afghanistan
Young woman (right) lifts veil and smiles at camera. (Later, she was stoned to death.)
 
ACADEMIA
Carnegie Mellon Offers
Masters in Gaming

Establishes endowed chair in Grand Theft Auto studies.
 
POLITICS
Signs The Next Supreme Court Justice Might Be a Religious Conservative
1. First majority opinion delivered in tongues.
2. Frequent breaks from oral arguments for snake handling.
3. Signals agreement with other justices by falling to floor, rolling around.
4. Signals dissent by holding up Bible, shouting, “Get thee behind me, Satan!”
5. Cites all precedents from Leviticus.

FRONT PAGE
PAGE TWO
PAGE THREE
ARCHIVE
CONTACT
STORE
   Copyright 2005 Ironic Times