Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – AUGUST 15 - 21, 2005
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ADVERTISING
Snoop Dog, Lee Iacocca Appear As Golf Buddies In Chrysler Commercial
If you buy that, you'll probably love your new Chrysler.
 
ENTERTAINMENT
Studios Panicked as Public Stops Buying DVDs, Going to Movies
Popcorn sales remain strong.
 
BUSINESS
Private Company Selling $100 Million Tickets for Trips Around Moon
Better order now – seating is limited.
 
HIGH TECH
New Time for Daylight Savings Will Cause Major Problems for VCRs
Constantly blinking “12:00” will be replaced by constantly blinking “1:00.”
New Bikini Sounds Alert Every 15 Minutes
Warns of sunburn and/or lack of attention.
SCIENCE
Siberian Peat Bog Size of France,
Germany Combined, Melting for
First Time Since Ice Age, Releasing Methane

Public urged not to panic, dress lightly.
 

Voice-Activated Computer, “Clarissa,” Undergoing Tests On Space Station
Reportedly failed to execute command: “Open the pod bay doors, Clarissa.”
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Research: Some Fruit Flies
Have Gene Predisposing
Them to Alcohol Addiction

Exciting discovery may lead to new therapies to treat alcoholic fruit flies.
 
CORRECTION
 
We mistakenly reported that the company which owns the National Enquirer paid a former movie extra $20,000 for exclusive rights to tell the story of her affair with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. In fact the company paid the woman for exclusive rights not to tell the story. We regret the confusion.

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