Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – AUGUST 22 - 28, 2005
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MISCELLANEOUS
Latest Crop Circles Deemed Authentic
Definitely the work of inebriated extraterrestrials, say experts.
 
CULTURE
Famous Authors Auction Off
Character Names in Novels to
Aid 1st Amendment Project

“One day Stanley M. Lipschitz awoke to find himself transformed into an enormous cockroach,” is first one sold.
 
EDUCATION
Report: Only 50% of Those Headed To College Have Basic Reading Skills
But 88% have basic drinking skills.
 
SPORTS
Golf: Record Fines Handed
Out for Bloody Melee

Fans, players penalized heavily for worst golf fight in years.
 
TRAVEL
Japanese Travel Agency Offering
Trips to Space at Bargain Fare of
$20 Million

No-frills flight includes launch, recovery, snack, movie; headphones available for $2.
One-Year-Old on No-Fly List Booted From Phoenix-to-Washington Flight
Subsequently taken into custody, flown to foreign country for questioning.
FEATURE
The state of North Carolina has passed a bill to aid victims of domestic violence. What does the bill do?
A )Provides help and support to women's shelters offering temporary refuge.
B )Provides funding for police officers to enforce restraining orders.
C )Provides harsher sentences for convicted abusers, subsequent counseling.
D )Requires court clerks to inform victims how to get concealed weapons permits.
Hint: Remember, it's North Carolina.
 
WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?
 
Karl Rove, Robert Novak, Army Navy Club, Washington, D.C., June 19, 2003
Rove: “We were celebrating the 40th anniversary of Bob's column when I joked how 'plame' all the women looked. He said, 'Plame? As in Valerie Plame, the wife of Joe Wilson, the guy who was sent to Niger?'”
Novak: “I don't remember anything, frankly, and if I did I wouldn't tell you. I think that's bullshit.”

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