Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – NOVEMBER 7 - 13, 2005
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PEOPLE
Miss Afghanistan Chosen
She'll make world goodwill tour, then return to Kabul to be stoned to death.
Woody Allen: Marriage to Soon-Yi Feels “More Paternal”
Only appears “more incestuous.”
MEDIA
Al Jazeera to Begin English-
Language Broadcasts

Network holding auditions for “sultry blondes who can read.”
Bill Requiring News Shows to Identify Fake News Stories Produced by
Gov't Watered Down by Senators

Fear legislation would drive Fox News out of business.
 
BUSINESS
Wal-Mart Mounts Multi-Million
Dollar Effort to Improve Image

Paid for with savings from low wages, meager health plan.
SCIENCE
Astronomers Detect Light From Beginning of Universe
Hope to decipher opening credits.
  Archeologist: King Tut
Drank Red Wine

Amenhotep preferred a dry sherry followed by a pitcher of Bahama Mamas.
Military Attempting to Control Weather
Should be “a cakewalk,” says Rumsfeld.
 
U.S. Acts to Halt Spread Of Bird Flu
Closes borders to all migratory birds, posts signs (above) at entry points.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Smoking Can Lower IQ, Thinking Ability
To the point where – despite evidence they'll die slow, painful death – subjects continue to smoke.
White House Issues Emergency
Bird Flu Guidelines

Advises public to hoard vaccine, shoot those who try to steal it.

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