Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – DECEMBER 12 - 18, 2005
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HEALTH / MEDICINE
McDonald's Putting Nutritional Facts on All Its Products
Move prompted by reports of widespread illiteracy.
Latest Diet: “No-Diet” Diet
Critics complain that once dieters stop “no-diet” diet they gain all the weight back.
Good News About Booze: Couple of Drinks a Day Helps Prevent Obesity
Based on informal two-week study of fashion models.
 
TRAVEL
Sharp Objects Allowed Back on Planes
Ban on whoopee cushions remains.
 
SPORTS
Baseball Pleased With Tougher Steroid Policy
Will now turn attention to spitting, scratching.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
 
Man Arrested After Scaling White House Fence
He was carrying a specific troop withdrawal timetable.
FEATURE
The most well-known legislative initiative to defend our country against its enemies sponsored by former Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham (who recently resigned after pleading guilty to accepting $2.4 million in bribes) was:
A )The Flag Desecration Amendment to the Constitution.
B )The Antique Commode Sellers Relief Act.
C )The Real Estate Money Laundering Accommodation Bill.
D )The Yacht Party Girl Entertainment Allowance Enhancement Rider to the Defense Appropriations Bill.
Hint: Due to National Security concerns, some of the above were classified.
 
RELIGION
Neil (I-Had-No-Idea-They-Were-
Hookers) Bush Tours With
Rev. Sun Myung Moon

To promote “Ideal Families.” (Editors' note: we are not making this up.)

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