Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – FEBRUARY 13 - 19, 2006
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MISCELLANEOUS
Ken Returns to Barbie, With Two New Looks
She can choose between bland blonde beach bum Ken (left) and dark, leather-jacketed, worldly, mysterious “bad boy” Ken (right).
 
KIDZ KORNER
Write Your Own News Story! Just fill in the blanks in this Reusable News Template!

In the latest of an embarrassing series of disclosures, the Deputy __________ for _______ at the Department of _________ was forced to resign when "discrepancies" were discovered in his resume. _________ had claimed that he graduated from the University of __________ with a major in ________, but no record of his attendance could be found. A spokeswoman for the department said that _______ was "pretty sure" he'd attended the University, but was going to check his records. While in his post at the Department of _________, he was responsible for purging __ senior officials, with __ years of experience and expertise in _________, suppressing their reports, altering their conclusions, and replacing them with political operatives like himself, who had no knowledge whatsoever of ___________. His only qualification was apparently loyalty to __________, whose campaign he worked on. At the Department of ____________ he was known for his virulent homophobia and religious extremism.
FEATURE
We have 3% of the world's oil reserves. The Middle East has 66%. If we want to free ourselves from dependence on Middle East oil, we must:
A )Start drilling in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge at once to get the most out of our 3%.
B )Start looking for oil right away on other nearby planets, like Mars.
C )Set some mileage standards for our cars.
  Hint: Mileage standards are
  un-American. Are you a terrorist?

Currently the top 13,000 families in the U.S. have as much wealth as:
A ) the bottom 100,000.
B )the bottom 1,000,000.
C ) the bottom 97,000,000.
  Hint: Can you say, “plutocracy”?
 
SPORTS
Gambling Scandal Rocks Hockey
Some fights may have been fixed.
 
ANSWER TO LAST WEEK'S PUZZLER
 
“0” was the number of times the terror alert level has been raised since the last presidential election. “Zero,” “none,” “nil,” and “zilch” are also correct.

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