Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – FEBRUARY 20 - 26, 2006
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SPORTS
Olympic Games Sparks Interest In Sports
This week's issue of Sports Illustrated
(left) sells out.
Baseball: Pitchers, Catchers Report
Spitters, scratchers report next week.
 
LIFESTYLE
Study: Men Claim Having
Two to Four Times as Many
Sex Partners as Women

Conclusion: men and women are lying.
 
KIDZ KORNER
Write Your Own News Story! Just Fill in the Blanks in this Reusable News Template:

In another shock for the world's climate watchers, the latest study has shown the ______ Glacier is melting ___ times faster than previously estimated, just ___ weeks ago. If urgent action is not taken immediately, the world's oceans will rise at a rate of ____ meters per _____, and coastal areas will be underwater by the year ____. The report has caused panic in the halls of governments across the globe, with the exception of the United States, where _______, the chief _______ at the White House, said there was "nothing to worry about," and referred scientists to chapter ___, verse ___ of the Gospel of ______.
FEATURE
The next time you accidentally shoot somebody and the police show up at your door to question you about the incident, what do you say to them?
A )Sorry, but I'm eating dinner.
B )I'm not really in the mood right now, try me tomorrow.
C )Come back when I'm sober.
  Hint: Works best if you're a very
  important person.
 
TRAVEL
England Bans Smoking in
Public Places

If you see an angry, drunk hooligan lighting up in a pub, inform him of this new edict.
 
ODDS 'N' ENDS
Unattractive People More
Likely to Commit Crimes

Based on twenty-year study of Congress.
Thailand: Scorpion Queen Marries Centipede King
Couple withholds name of honeymoon hotel, at hotel's request.

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