Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – MARCH 27 - APRIL 2, 2006
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WHAT THEY WERE THINKING
 
Scott McClellan (left), Karl Rove (center), Dan Bartlett (right), White House Press Room, March 21, 2006.
McClellan: "The President had just called on veteran UPI reporter Helen Thomas for the first time in three years and I was bracing for her question."
Rove: "Helen Thomas had just asked the President a very pointed question about his reason for going to war and I was nervously awaiting his reply."
Bartlett: "The President was in the process of successfully evading an accusatory question by Helen Thomas and I was about to utter a big sigh of relief."
 
BUSINESS
U.S. Gives No-Bid Contract to
Hong Kong Company to Detect
Nukes Coming to U.S.

Because communists are better than Islamic extremists at protecting our ports.
 
FEATURE
Responding to grave threats to democracy as we know it, Congress is now preparing:
A ) hearings on illegal spying, searches and seizures secretly authorized by the President.
B ) an investigation into the illegal use of torture by the military and the CIA.
C ) Constitutional Amendments to ban flag-burning and gay marriage.
Hint: This isn't about some quaint legalism, this is about fundamental values!
SCIENCE
Prediction: Due to Pollution,
Telescopes Will Be
Worthless by 2050

Binoculars worthless by 2075.
Physicists Find Evidence Universe Created in One-Trillionth of a Second After "Big Bang"
Shown: universe today (photo courtesy parallel universe).
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Study: Omega-3 Fatty Acids
Don't Help Heart Health, As
Previously Believed

Public advised to eat whatever the hell they want until further notice.
Older Women Who Watch
Daytime Talk Shows Score
Lower on Mental Tests

But higher than people on daytime talk shows.
Latest Study Suggests Memory Loss For Marijuana Users, Contradicting Previous Study Which Found None
Test subjects say more testing needed.
 
CORRECTION
In a recent feature we reported that major newspapers and TV news shows had seized upon the third anniversary of our invasion of Iraq to conduct a thorough review of their coverage of the lead-up to the war. We said that many had offered sincere apologies for reporting which was lazy, uncritical, and well below the minimum standards of professional journalism. In fact, no reviews were conducted or apologies offered. We regret any confusion caused by our mistake.

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