Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – APRIL 10 - 16, 2006
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NEW PRODUCTS
Disney Cellphone Tracks Children, Limits Access
Allows children unlimited access to Disney promos, Disney commercials, Disney movie trailers.
 
SPORTS
Baseball: Steroids Scandal Distracts From Other Aspects of Game
Like amphetamines, gambling, chewing tobacco.
 
KIDZ KORNER
Write Your Own News Story! Just fill in the blanks on this Reusable News Template!

Former Congressional leader, ______ (R-__), announced today he will not seek reelection. ______ is facing multiple federal corruption charges, and his approval rating had recently fallen to a new low of __% in his own district. He denies _____ing ______, insists he never ______ with Jack Abramoff, but does not wish to become a distraction for the party. The announcement follows plea agreements by ____ and _____, who served _______ as top aides. Once feared and hated for ______, he has lately found God, according to friends and family.
It's perfectly OK that President Bush authorized Scooter Libby to break the law by leaking classified information to the press because:
A )he was under strict orders from Emperor Zorn, Ultimate Ruler of the Inter-Galactic Confederation of Free Solar Systems, acting according to the provisions of the Treaty of Plembar-9, signed by the United States in the year 8146, applicable both forward and backwards in time, to leak the information.
B )he asked his Magic 8-Ball if it was OK, and it said “yes.”
C )he's Commander-In-Chief and can do anything he wants to do.
   Hint: If all choices seem equally
   plausible, you can choose “all
   of the above.”
 
ART
Whistler's Mother Dropped From Updated College Perennial History of Art
Editors replace classic portrait (above) with one of Whistler's mistress, which shows more cleavage.

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