Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MAY 1 - 7, 2006
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ADVERTISING
Ads on Sheep Bringing Results
Retailers report spending by shepherds up 50%.
 
INTERNET
Survey: Kids Can Easily Get Around Most Web Filters
Adults need kids' help.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Canadian Scientists Developing Drug That Erases Bad Memories
Administration wants to add it to nation's drinking water.
China: Better Nutrition Causing Larger Bust Sizes
Chinese men demand “even better” nutrition.
 
CORRECTION
 
In a recent article on the Ford Motor Co.'s plan to lay off 30,000 employees, we reported erroneously that, to save the most money first, the layoffs would begin with overpaid top managers responsible for poor planning, then work down the ladder to the less well-paid jobs on the assembly lines. In fact, the layoffs will start and end with the lowest-paid workers. We regret the error.
THE AFTERLIFE
by Earl Wilson

Heaven just got more heavenly with the opening of Toots Shor's new dive, a lure for late greats like Jackie Gleason, Eddie Arcaro, “Slapsie Maxie” Rosenbloom and an extremely trimmed-down Charles Atlas, who stopped by to flex for the B.W. and ask us to remind the living to stay off steroids. Done!

John Lennon says he had nothing to do with that cheesy pay-per-view seance last week.

“Is it me, or is it getting hotter down there?” cracked brainy Carl Sagan to co-presenter Jayne Mansfield (Va-Va-Voom!) before a lifeless crowd at last night's Dead Oscar Awards. Earl's Pearls: Is it me, or did that show go on for an eternity?

Ethel Merman's looking for a new recording contract, figuring she's loud enough to overcome the fact she's dead.

That's oil, brother.

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