Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MAY 22 - 28, 2006
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MISCELLANEOUS
Company to Make Diamonds From Strands of Beethoven's Hair
For the man who has everything except a diamond made from Beethoven's hair.
Two-Thirds of Americans Say There's
More Profanity Than 20 Years Ago

Remaining third weren't here 20 years ago.
 
FEATURE
General Michael Hayden, Bush's pick to head the CIA, testified at his confirmation hearing that the NSA secret, warrantless spying program was perfectly OK because
A ) a lawyer in the White House told him it was legal, and if you can't trust a lawyer, who can you trust?
B ) we might be talking on the telephone with a member of Al Qaeda without knowing it, and if we are, we'd really like to know about it.
C ) it's very comforting to know that our government cares enough about us to listen in on our conversations. A lot of other governments couldn't be bothered.
Hint: Exactly why are you interested in this, and what is your full name and address?
OUR MAN IN HELL
by Richard Nixon
Pardon my French, but who the Hell came up with comparing that tree-hugging stiff Al Gore with yours truly? Sure, we were both vice presidents who lost close elections. And sure, after a once-popular president lied us into an unpopular war we both started unlikely comebacks, but that's where the comparison ends. I won in '68. The only election he'll ever win is president of the goddamned Sierra Club.
The only thing Bush is doing right is keeping tabs on his enemies. This is good policy. You know the Democrats would be screaming the "I" word if he didn't have the phone records of every whore in Washington. I've still got my little black book. Comes in handy down here.
In fact, I could use Liddy right about now, to do a little breaking and entering for me. Too bad he's still alive.
Gotta go. Meeting Joe McCarthy for drinks at the Sizzler.
 
RELIGION
Pat Robertson Says God Told Him U.S. Will Be Hit By Tsunami
So far, God has refused to either confirm or deny remark.

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