Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – AUGUST 14 - 20, 2006
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TRENDS
Soaring Oil Prices Starting to Affect Housing Market
People buying smaller, more efficient homes.
 
SPORTS
Judge Says Fantasy Leagues Can Use Major League Baseball Statistics
Denies that getting surprise MVP candidate Joe Mauer for two washed-up pitchers in pre-season trade with his brother-in-law had anything to do with it.
 
KIDZ KORNER
Write Your Own News Story!
Just Fill in the Blanks of This Reusable News Template:


__ terrorists were arrested today, perhaps only __ hours away from blowing up ___, according to _____. Because of the arrests, he added, citizens should feel very safe again, although they should also feel very unsafe. The plot against ____ proves that if we start to withdraw our troops from Iraq, we will be more vulnerable to attacks. Authorities had been closely tracking the plot for __ months. The arrests come only __ days after polling which shows __% of Americans now want to bring our troops home, the President’s approval rating has dipped to __%, and there were new developments in the ongoing probe of Representative ____, (R, __).
FEATURE
Pretty soon it's going to be time to share important intelligence information we have about Iran and Syria with Israel, which will lead them to attack these countries because:
A ) we have to destroy the Middle East in order to save it.
B ) we need to get the hard part of the Apocalypse over so Jesus can return and all who accept Him can go to Heaven.
C ) Both of the above.
Hint: George W. Bush is a complicated man who can hold two ideas in his mind at the same time.
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Study: Sexy Music Leads to Sex
Which leads to a recording contract.
Cheating Alleged at Chess Tourney
Several players with unusually large heads asked to leave.
World's Largest Sandwich Moved Into Position
It waits to be hoisted, placed inside world's largest refrigerator (not shown).

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