Ironic Times

page one
PAGE THREE – DECEMBER 11 - 17, 2006
page two

NEW PRODUCTS
HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE: Cocktail- Mixing Robot
This baby can come in mighty handy after the human bartender passes out. Just speak clearly when placing your order, then step back -- at least ten feet -- and watch it do its thing. Shakes, stirs, mixes, pours, it'll even light your cigarette! $495 at Beds, Bars, Barstools and Beyond.
 
SPORTS
Baseball Hall of Fame Mulls Special Wing for Bonds, McGwire, et al.
New “Superhero” section would honor larger-than-life achievements, keep them out of regular Hall.
New Wireless Computerized Basketball Shirt Displays Updated Player's Stats
Keeps constant track of points, rebounds, fouls, technical fouls, ejections, suspensions, misdemeanors, felonies.
 
KIDZ KORNER
Vocabulary Builders
withdrawal n. the act of staying where you are indefinitely, as in phased ~ from Iraq.
FEATURE
The EPA has streamlined the polluted air regulatory process by:
A ) implementing the requests of the American Petroleum Institute and Battery Council International.
B ) shortening exhaustive scientific review.
C ) replacing recommendations prepared by career scientists and reviewed by independent advisors with “policy papers” crafted by senior White House appointees.
Hint: B) and C) are looking good, but A) could not be confirmed because nobody at the Petroleum Institute or the Battery Council was answering phones, due to a huge celebration.

What percentage of those who lost their homes in Katrina and applied to FEMA for help to rebuild have gotten any so far?
  A ) 25%
  B ) 2.5%
  C ) .25%
Hint: 99.75% of the checks aren't in the mail.

FRONT PAGE
PAGE TWO
PAGE THREE
ARCHIVE
CONTACT
STORE
   Copyright 2006 Ironic Times