Ironic Times

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PAGE TWO – JANUARY 1- 7, 2007
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PEOPLE
FBI Releases Last Files on John Lennon
Still won't unseal files on Groucho Marx.
Dr. Kevorkian to Be Released From Prison
Has already received job offer from pound.
 
BUSINESS
Treasury Mulls Getting Rid of Penny
Bottom line: costs a nickel to make one.
IBM Announces New High-
Performance Chip

Makes video games slightly more realistic than reality.
Adjustments to Your Portfolio for 2007
  Ski Resort Real Estate: sell 
  Beach Front Properties: sell 
  Snow Removal Equipment Makers: sell 
  Camel Futures: buy 
  Fish Processing Companies: sell 
  Chinese Mutual Funds: buy 
SCIENCE
Giant Ice Shelf Breaks
Free at North Pole

Public advised to remain calm, but move inland a couple of miles.
Scientists Create Molecule-
Sized Lock

Evil scientists create atom-sized key.
 
 

Space Telescope Launched to Hunt for Earth-Like Planets
Launch date moved up due to increased sense of urgency.
 
HEALTH / MEDICINE
1 in 14 Teens Report Using Cold Medicine “Recently”
Manufacturers cite really bad flu season.
 
CORRECTION
 
We mistakenly reported that the EPA is enforcing severe penalties on thousands of factory farms for fouling the air and water with animal excrement, amounting to $27,500 a day for past and future violations. In fact, the EPA is exempting the factory farms from those penalties. We apologize for the confusion.

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