Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – JANUARY 1 - 7, 2007
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MISCELLANEOUS
Brit Fails in Attempt at Brussels Sprouts Eating Record
He stops at one.
UK Report: Robots Will Have Rights
The right to vote, to drink, to drive, to marry, to bear arms, to life, liberty, and the pursuit of replacement parts.
 
SPORTS
Huge Brawl Results in
No Fines or Suspensions

At recent Hamas-Fatah game.
 
KIDZ KORNER
Fill in the Blanks in This Reusable News Template!

The Bush Administration is considering a "___ ___ ____" in Iraq, a new approach to the conflict. Reliable sources have said, on condition of _________, that the likely strategy will be an _______ in troops, rather than the _____ favored by __% of the American public. Most military leaders have _________ an increase, or "surge" in the level of U.S. troops in Iraq. But the Bush Administration is ___ing the opinions of the _____ Chiefs of Staff, and is ______ing the other military leaders who oppose the _____ in troops.
FEATURE
(Last week, we brought together a distinguished panel of psychics and asked them for their predictions for the coming year.)
Kandu (India): "A rotary-wing aircraft will make its debut, revolutionizing human transportation as we know it."
Madame Blavinsky (Switzerland): "You mean like the helicopter? Please. The real surprise in 2007 will be when Kim Jong Il declares he's got nuclear weapons."
Cassandra (Canada): "He already has. Many times. In any case, I'm predicting a breakthrough announcement heralding a second Internet, much faster than the one we're using now, and it's on its way."
The Oracle (Delphi): "Earth to Cassandra: it already exists. For a real prediction, the lowly Charlotte Hornets will win the NBA title and shock the world."
Deep Fritz (computer): "Particularly the people of Charlotte, who the team abandoned in 2003. I predict humans will no longer be called upon to make predictions, given their limited intelligence, and computers will take over most tasks involving complex thought."

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