Ironic Times

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PAGE THREE – MARCH 12 - 18, 2007
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NEW PRODUCTS
Holy Drinking Water Costs a Little More
But mixed with demon rum it's curiously refreshing.
Refrigerator Tosses Beer to You!
With this breakthrough device you can skip the step of getting up from the couch, walking to the refrigerator, opening the refrigerator, taking out a can of beer, closing the refrigerator, walking back to the couch and sitting down. Never miss a beer commercial again! ($400, at ObeseTronics)
 
MISCELLANEOUS
Tightwad Bank in Tightwad,
Missouri Closes

Short hours, lousy rates, no withdrawals policy blamed.
 
KIDZ KORNER
Vocabulary Builders

outsource v.t. to contract out your work to some other entity, as in "Maintenance and operations at Walter Reed Army Medical Center was ~d to a private company run by a former Halliburton official, who reduced staff from 300 to 100."
The United States military budget is greater than the military budgets of all the other 192 nations combined because:
A ) the other 192 nations might get together and attack us in a well-coordinated, simultaneous multi-front invasion.
B ) it's just always good to be on the safe side.
C ) in case the United States is target of an interplanetary strike force from Alpha Centauri .
Hint: the military budgets of the planets in Alpha Centauri is a known unknown.

If you pay off 99% of your credit card bill due next month, so only 1% remains unpaid, the credit card company will charge their standard, exorbitant interest on:
A ) the remaining 1% you haven’t paid.
B ) the entire 100%, even though you paid 99%.
C ) the national debt.
Hint: charging you, personally, interest on the national debt would not be fair, and credit card companies are scrupulously fair.

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